I turned out to be just fine

Always grumpy little girl was what i used to be.

Irritatingly and pathologically introverted.

Even now it needs a lot of inhibitory substances for exorcism of the demon inside me, though.

Contrarily,

I turned out to be just fine, while growing up with you...

A very cheerful gal with lots of hope for future and always love,love for all the little things in life.

There could be so many big things and many gigantic moments in life..... but i would only remember jumping out of wardrobe, prank calling everyone, walking miles to save a penny, that huge dog doll sitting in my bed frightening me every night, these small small things would make an entire life to cherish, to make you watch the world with a beautiful eye. Isn't that what i learnt from you?!.

The love for small things, the love for everything around me, the love for everyone around me started when you saved every penny for my beach outing that I remember and think seriously balloons???? !!! 

You cannot write them 

You cannot just say them bluntly,

Having these moments and lived through all of it with you.

I turned out to be more than just fine 

Because all the love in this world was replaceable 

But you!, Nothing could replace someone who has created an awesome piece of artistic shit (Duh! Me) 

Brought up with love for little joys in life.

Sussh.

You are the one for me

There are no such things as "destined together"  or "soulmates for life".

There are no eternals in life too. 

You let go of every beautiful thing in life at each phase of life.

Because your life revolves like the earth, somedays you are just the dark knight saving yourself, other times you are simply the burning sun.

God (i hope not ), or fate doesn't choose who are destined for you, till your testament.

Its you, right or wrong, its obsolutetly you who you choose to the spend the rest of your life with, 

with whom you can smile without gifts,surprises....

With whose company you can be at ease talking abt how much you like T.Rajenderan.

With whose company you can just be the psychotic,rudely angry witch-type person pretending to be The Rock of WWE,

With whose company you can escape out of all the fart smell by checking the gate of life.

Its difficult.

It needs strength.

Not every phase of life is "happily ever after" like the cinderella story.... 'coz you ain't wearing the glass shoe ! 

And it kills your foot, each and every capillary of every blood vessel of your foot of every nano second to be in a glass shoe.

So,

Choose wisely,

Do you want the glass shoe or just the sponge bob bata shoe. 

Nothing is specially made for you.

All mass production has their own fault.

Go with the person with same "fault in your stars"

Not just about the mediocrity, sufficiency,

There are no "the one" 

But with whom you are tolerable,

Form a crescent moon at every downfall of life.

If the highest reach above you, THE SKY, doesn't teach you how to move forward....

Having the strongest belief in God and religion doesn't make any sense to me.

Nature is always at the best.

Go with the flow and 

Choose wisely,

Sussh.

Start from where you left smiling

Bull cart??

Roller coster???

Nascar race????

Life is not any of this ..... 

its very simple ......

Sometimes you breathe ....

Many times harder than you think......

Quiet often we forget ......

There are no endings and beginnings.....

Everytime you feel you should start from scratch 

You start from where you left smiling....

From where you jumped high in sky 

From where you  danced all night to make your feet dead

From where you sang all day about feeling eternal

From where you stopped breathing

From where you learnt what love was .....

Its okie when everything you start from seems different

From where you start again....

But it will be new

It will be peacefull 

It will give you a hope of sunshine

Just be there 

To watch the sunrise 

To shimmer the moonlight 

It might not be pink like you see today 

But it definetly WILL make you HAPPY whenever you see it FULL......

Because any fresh start will make your heart skip a beat 

Just like it did when you wanted ..,,,

That hope is what makes life smiling and eternal ....

Life will always be about memories 

Sussh

 

How To stop the soul search.

Growing up in a self-deported family is harder than you would imagine.....
Deported because nuclear family gone rogue ....
It's fun and frolic on the outside but deep down you would still be searching for the soul that's as deformed as yours....
Well no-one could come from that long line of lunatics....
The search stops when you realise ...no external force could turn your life upside down unless someone makes you fall on your back ...and you are not physics to follow all the laws...
And It's Okie if your past looks like a four year old artistic paint on the wall ...don't cry over ......like it's diamonds...
And it's absolutely Okie if you still stand in a que with a plate and a glass ... As long as it's not prison and you are not in for murder (  that would be cool though)....
About things that are yet to come ....Unless you are that type of a person who wakes up at the first beat of the first alarm in the morning, don't keep planning your future.... most of all,
Stop worrying about what people would say or think or do or crap ..... Unless of course they bring a gold coffin to your funeral party .... then yeah you should probably be nice to them ....
Learn to be with people who would actually put some effort to activate the two facial muscles (orbicularis oculi and oris) to smile .... those muscle activated smiles are called genuine smile ...rest are just social smile meaning FAKE ....
Yeah only when you stop the search outside and look inside of you .... you would  come up with all these kinds of crazy stuff  .

Be crazy. Be independent. Be detached. Be you.
Because the rest is just social.
Susshibelle

Day and night wer it all started

Everyday brings new challenges they say....
I don't see it ...
Every day I wake up in the same bed ....
Every night I bury myself in the same pillow...
I'm where I'm since it all started.....
Everything grew up with me ....
Some grew so close to me....
Some grew apart ....
Well, that's life .....
I can accept that ..... I can accept being static in the same place till I'm dead enough to be moved ....
But I can't live upto the expectation of what everyone wants....
That's not about living .....
Earth doesn't change its orbit to bring about the next day.....
We should be able revolve around the things that makes us stronger and more powerful towards life..... That's all about it .....
I'm ready for a change anytime.... But as long it is my decision be it wise,be it the dumb-ass-sitting-around-corner-of-bed-crying decision, it will  be my crazy ass decision.... for a change.
I live every day with a smile that next day it would get more weirder.....
That's it !!!! And that makes me more happy !!

A start to where it all started ....
Sussh

The pain of smiling .....

The day when you have to walk around like nothing happened in your life that is so painful to swallow but you smile anyway with a deep eye and a red cheek ...
When every perception of pain is stimulated ... but all the tear left in you is swallowed back and runs straight to your heart like a hundred syringe piercing all the muscle in it, just so, to show how much alive you are.......
I don't know which is more painful , the stab to  your heart or the cry behind your laughter .....
Sometimes, it's that you have to live with everything that has happened and you still have to continue, to go back being who you were..... that is what is more painful.... The ache behind your every smile ..... The regret behind your every success..... The sink behind your every jump of excitement......
Sometimes It's hard to walk over .... unbearable  to go through .....  to let go.......is not the answer ......    
Some pain is impossible to get over ....
Some pain we have to live with ....

Remember there is always a pain behind every smile ....
Sussh

When you don't loose someone close ...

It's pulling your heart alive ....When you loose someone very close to your heart....
I'm sorry I don't know how that feels....
I have never been to death house ... funeral or the ceremony .....
I felt bad for my granddad..... felt BAD ...that's it ....
But today ,  I just heard someone (very close to my heart) who lost their hero of their life.... and that pulled my heart out.....
That voice just ripped my heart out without any  anaesthesia .....I was awake and it pained...
We try our best in this shitty life to spend our time with the ones  We love ... We like ... our friends ..... our colleagues....
Yet somehow ......even when there are so many people to move away from us dead physically .......
It's just so painful to let go of the ones we love sooooooo much to heaven ......
This world is cruel to take away the ones who deserves to spend their rest of the life with us instead in  heaven ......
That's not right .....
Right ?????
I don't know if they would be happier there ....
This whole  being alive thing is just too complicated ......
Why are we born .....
Why should we go just like that .....
When nothing is enough for anyone alive ...taking them away is just cruel .....
Somehow looking through all the heart pain someone close to you ....is just fibrillating......

I thought world is cruel.....
But it looks like
God is cruel.....
Unfair feeling....

Xoxo
Consider being alive
Sussh